EDMOND — Self-esteem has been turned into a marketing tool, but I’m not buying. It doesn’t come in a shoebox, a duffel bag or a set of cool pads. It doesn’t come from a report card or even from a job. Self-esteem and self-respect come when a person does what they know is right, even when there is pressure to do something else.
My oldest son always has been willing to speak up for what he thought was right, even to the point of being a bit abrasive. When he was 17 or so, he went to a casual party at a friend’s house where one of the teenage hostesses said they planned to rent movies later on. When the time came for them to rent the movies, my son suggested a few that he wanted to see and reminded them that he didn’t watch PG-13 or R rated movies. This was a standard that we set in our home, but as far as the PG-13 movies, the older children should choose for themselves when they were away. R movies always are forbidden.
I can understand the hostesses being irritated by one guest dictating what would happen at her party, and the girls may have been retaliating when they rented one R and one PG-13 movie. My son went in the other room for a while and then slipped out. Several other children that had the same standard followed him. This is the stuff self-esteem is made of.
Shakespeare said, “This above all, to thine own self be true, for it must follow as does night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Being true to yourself is having self-respect. It defines character and is the root of self-esteem. I suspect that Shakespeare was right that it also defines all other relationships.
Self-esteem will not be created by scoring goals or by winning money. It will not be enhanced by a cosmetic surgery or expensive clothing. It might be strengthened when a soccer player admits to the referee that he used his hands. It will be bolstered when he returns the extra cash the bank teller gave him. These are signs of good self-esteem, but a person who displays integrity already has self-esteem.
The most sure fire way to give a child self-esteem is to teach him to work hard, insist that he do his very best and give him full responsibility for the outcome.
One of my sons took woodworking in high school. He chose plans for a handsome entryway table in his second year but soon found that turning the legs on a lathe was much more difficult than he expected. The dovetail joints also were difficult, but the table is designed to last forever. At the end of the school year, the projects were displayed in the mall and he worked consistently to make the table as nice as he could. The entire experience taught him he can finish something difficult and make it turn out well. His self-confidence and self-esteem were strengthened by completing his difficult project.
The bottom line is that self-esteem is intrinsic, not extrinsic. It comes from knowing that we have worth and strength and talents. It gives us courage and fortitude and the ability to reach out to others. Without that foundation, all the trophies, praise, prizes and rewards will not impart it. Teach children to forget themselves and go to work.
BETH STEPHENSON is an Edmond resident.
Columns
June 13, 2008
To thine own self be true
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