EDMOND —
Q: What is the role of a stepparent in parenting teenage step-children? My 19-year-old stepson moved in with us several months ago and is disrupting our marriage. He does what he wants, when he wants, and there are no consequences. How does one deal with a child that age when he refuses to follow the rules of the house?
A: Contrary to the advice given by most mental health professionals, even Dr. Phil, the proper role of a stepparent is to be a responsible parent, with all the privileges and authority pertaining thereto. The operative word is the noun, “parent,” not the prefix, “step.” The same applies to the word “stepfamily.”
I was raised by a stepfather who acted as though when I was in his home, he was my father, a person with full authority over me. He was not a step, someone to be walked on. I benefitted from that even though I did not like it at times. My mother, to her inestimable credit, never interfered in his discipline of me. I benefitted from that even though there were times when I didn’t like it. When it came to my stepfather, my mother did not enable disrespect or disobedience. He certainly benefitted from that, but I benefitted even more. Our family worked better as a result.
The problem in many, if not most, of today’s so-called stepfamilies is that the stepparent is effectively disempowered by the “real” parent; therefore, the children do not have reason to respect or obey the stepparent. In these families, the emphasis is on the prefix “step.” I think it is significant that you didn’t mention your husband, but certainly implied that he enables his son’s disrespect of you and disregard of rules by imposing no consequences on his provocative, narcissistic behavior.
It is your husband’s responsibility to straighten out this young man, to let him know that he does not have permission to treat his wife with anything but the utmost respect. Is your husband willing to do that? Is he willing to put his foot down and tell his son that it’s either his way or the highway? If he’s not, then I am not going to pull any punches here: He’s lost his spine. But if so, he is in the company of many equally spineless men who value their relationships with the children of their first marriages over their relationships with their current spouses. And by the way, this indictment is not limited to male parents. There are plenty of mothers out there who will not let their step-husbands discipline children that are not “their own.” The question becomes: Who are these people married to anyway?
In my estimation, a 19-year-old who disrespects a stepparent and will not follow the rules of the house should find his own house ... tomorrow, if not sooner. While he is away, change the locks, put his possessions on the front stoop, and pin a note to them wishing him well in his new adventure.
FAMILY psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Features
Stepparents must have full authority
- Features
-
-
Facebook's organ donor status sends registrations soaring
Facebook's addition of a way for its users to tell people their organ-donor status helped boost the number of people who registered as donors 21-fold in one day.
-
White House, NASA want help hunting asteroids
The White House and NASA on Tuesday will ask the public for help finding asteroids that potentially could slam into the Earth with catastrophic consequences.
-
Is it really possible to not know you're pregnant until the birth?
Trish Staine had just finished running 10 miles while training for a half-marathon when she started going into labor. The mother of three said she hadn't gained any weight or felt any fetal movement in the months before and had no idea she was pregnant. Is it possible for a woman not to know she's pregnant before she starts giving birth?
-
VIDEO: Rapper steps on American flag
Lil Wayne sparked a controversy when he stepped on an American flag during the filming of his new music video, but the rapper later said it was a mistake and unintentional.
-
VIDEO: Britney Spears' sons to make acting debut
Britney Spears recorded a new song for the "The Smurfs 2," and her sons Sean Preston and Jayden will make a cameo in the music video.
-
Expert panel will tackle gardening issues
Every community garden in Oklahoma serves as a reminder of what people can do if they come together to work towards a single purpose and goal.
That’s one reason the Oklahoma County Master Gardeners are offering a “Community Gardening” workshop from 1-3 p.m. July 9. -
Pope, archbishop of Canterbury meet
The neophyte holders of two of Christendom’s most venerable posts met for the first time Friday and spoke of fostering unity and understanding between their sometimes rival branches of the faith.
-
OCU Hebrew students to study Dead Sea scrolls
Students in a Biblical Hebrew class at Oklahoma City University will get a chance to study one of the Dead Sea Scrolls during the fall 2013 semester.
-
Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever remains a real threat
Q: My dog Candy died last year from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Is this that common in Oklahoma and how can I be sure neither one of my other dogs get it?
A: Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (RMSF) is a disease that can affect any of our pets as well as us. It is caused by the bacterium Rickettsia rickettsii and is transmitted by a variety of ticks. Three ticks can be found in Oklahoma that carry it. They include the Lone Star Tick, The Gulf Coast Tick (more common in the southeast U.S.) and the American Dog Tick. -
VET Q&A: Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever remains a real threat
Q: My dog Candy died last year from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Is this that common in Oklahoma and how can I be sure neither one of my other dogs get it?
- More Features Headlines
-
