The Edmond Sun


January 18, 2013

On enhanced performance

EDMOND — Much to the chagrin of my good Mennonite Aunt Anna, coffee has been my performance enhancement drug of choice since my youth. I wonder if Lance Armstrong wishes coffee had been his choice too.

Not that it matters. He might have lost most or even all of his endorsements, but I hear he has millions of his own dollars stashed away. Besides, his reputation precedes him. How crafty he has been and will be again! If he can keep a worldwide, top-of-the-line drug testing system from detecting his sneaky drug consumption for lo these many years ... wink-wink ... he’ll find a way to get around this hitch in his stride too. Still, it’ll be interesting to see how many of Lance’s millions it takes to buy his way back into the good graces of the public. Except maybe for France, whose cyclists have probably been enhancing their performances too.

Redemption can be accomplished, though. Golfer Tiger Woods is limping his way back in spite of his vast licentious activities, and it’s looking like football hero Michael Vick of dog fighting infamy just might make it too. Of course he will. Super athletes and super stars rise above their most heinous faux pas all the time.

My good Mennonite Aunt Anna also was known to exhibit signs of apoplexy at the sight of a young girl’s exposed calves — expressly mine — so I never tested her on anything more risqué. She would most likely have succumbed if she’d witnessed Lady Gaga’s public exposure last week. Was it mere coincidence that the singer was on stage entertaining a packed-to-capacity Canadian audience — bent over, her back to the camera — when the seam of her latex britches split from her waist to.... Well, as far as a split can go? Could it have been the strain of her gyrations that brought about that wardrobe malfunction? Or maybe a seamstress’s unsecured stitch was the culprit that allowed the rip to lengthen. Maybe. But it’s more likely that her ratings had been dropping.

No, really. Janet Jackson’s wardrobe also malfunctioned during a halftime performance at Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004. That’s the one I remember, but it wasn’t a first. That honor goes to a participant on “The Price Is Right” in 1977, but it’s rumored that her unfortunate reveal wasn’t intentional. Wardrobe malfunctions have become so popular since then that they merit a dictionary definition: “ ... a public event or performance, particularly when there are allegations that it was deliberately staged for publicity reasons.”

But it’s not Lance Armstrong’s example that inspired droves of ivy league students to cheat and lie their way through graduation and others to order their diplomas off the Internet. And as for teen boys who wear their pants below their underwear and teen girls who show more skin than taste, it’s not their generation that went to the dogs. My good Mennonite Aunt Anna warned that we were getting there all along, and the evidence is enough to drive me back to the coffee pot.

MARJORIE ANDERSON is an Edmond resident.

Text Only
  • Low blood-sugar levels make for grousing spouses

    Husbands and wives reported being most unhappy with their spouses when their blood-sugar levels were lowest, usually at night, according to research released this week in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Missing a meal, dieting or just being hungry may be the reason, researchers said.

    April 17, 2014

  • Doctors to rate cost effectiveness of expensive cancer drugs

    The world's largest organization of cancer doctors plans to rate the cost effectiveness of expensive oncology drugs, and will urge physicians to use the ratings to discuss the costs with their patients.

    April 16, 2014

  • treadmill-very-fast.jpg Tax deduction for a gym membership?

    April marks another tax season when millions of Americans will deduct expenses related to home ownership, children and education from their annual tax bill. These deductions exist because of their perceived value to society; they encourage behaviors that keep the wheels of the economy turning. So why shouldn't the tax code be revised to reward preventive health?

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Allergies are the real midlife crisis

    One of the biggest mysteries is why the disease comes and goes, and then comes and goes again. People tend to experience intense allergies between the ages of 5 and 16, then get a couple of decades off before the symptoms return in the 30s, only to diminish around retirement age.

    April 16, 2014

  • Screen Shot 2014-04-16 at 12.51.22 PM.png VIDEO: Toddler climbs into vending machine

    A child is safe after climbing into and getting stuck inside a claw crane machine at a Lincoln, Neb., bowling alley Monday.

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • To sleep well, you may need to adjust what you eat and when

    Sleep.  Oh, to sleep.  A good night's sleep is often a struggle for more than half of American adults.  And for occasional insomnia, there are good reasons to avoid using medications, whether over-the-counter or prescription.

    April 16, 2014

  • portraitoflotte.jpg VIDEO: From infant to teen in four minutes

    Dutch filmmaker Frans Hofmeester’s time lapse video of his daughter, Lotte — created by filming her every week from her birth until she turned 14 — has become a viral sensation.

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Sheriff seeks items for agency history project

    If you have historic pictures or artifacts related to the Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Office, the agency is asking the public to share them.
    “The Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Office is working on a history project. If you, your family, friends or acquaintances have any old photos or artifacts related to the OCSO we would love to have them or a digital copy,” said Oklahoma County Sheriff John Whetsel.

    April 16, 2014

  • oil infographic[1].png Easy on the coconut oil

    These days, it seems like coconut oil is soaking up credit for its positive affect on a wide range of health conditions. But, still developing science around the popular oil tells a little different story.
    “We know all saturated fats are not created equally, but there’s no evidence that coconut oil is better or healthier than other vegetable oils,” said Janice Hermann, Oklahoma State University Cooperative Extension nutrition specialist.

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • Easter 4e.JPG Moms Club finds Easter fun at Fountains at Canterbury

    The Fountains at Canterbury hosted members of the Moms Club of Edmond-West Tuesday morning for a Easter egg hunt and party complete with a special visit from the Easter Bunny. Residents at the Fountains at Canterbury hid several dozen eggs filled with prizes and candy for the children. The Moms Club of Edmond-West is a nonprofit, local chapter of stay-at-home moms who aim to support each other during the day.

    April 16, 2014 2 Photos