Q: I’m worried about my daughter, but I don’t want to invade her privacy by looking around for clues about her problems. How do I respect her privacy and help her?
A: The first step when a child manifests evidence of unusual stress or unexplainable change is to ask the child. You may want to scream, “What is WRONG with you!?” That’s not quite what I have in mind. Talk to your child privately (driving in the car is the best way to insure that you’re alone) and begin by telling the child that you have observed certain behaviors, evidence, etc., that have caused you to be concerned about (whatever it is).
Don’t hang an open-ended question out there like, “I’m worried about you, what’s going on?” because most kids will say, “Everything’s fine.” Some kids will open up easily, but if you have to ask, you probably have to ask specific questions.
State the evidence and ask the questions outright. “I notice that your eyes are often bloodshot and I smell something on your clothes that smells like pot. Are you using pot? If they deny that they are, ask them to explain the evidence. If the explanation is fishy at all, verify it with a test or asking other people.
Another issue might be, “I notice that you have lots of stuff that I don’t think you have money for. Where are you getting it? Let the child know that you will check their answer.
It’s important that the parent uses self-control and lets the child know that your only concern is for their well-being. If the message to the child is, “I’ll do whatever I can to help you get through a tough time,” and they know their business will not be spoken of unnecessarily to others, most will eventually open up.
There are some who are too withdrawn, ashamed or confused to know how to get help. If the direct question doesn’t work, I feel it is appropriate to monitor in any way necessary to help the child. A search of their room and/or car and/or backpack might give you critical information. If they carry a cell phone, a careful perusal of the bill that identifies the numbers called, the time of day they were called and the duration might also reveal important information. I will listen in on phone conversations if my concerns are big enough.
Of course it’s not fun to feel like you have to spy on your kid, but the stakes are too high to let a worry go unsettled. If you find evidence that supports your concern, wait to confront the child until you are completely calm, tell the child that you found the evidence you found and ask the child again, “Are you having a problem with (whatever it is)?”
The next step takes lots of self-control, but the best step is to ask the child what he needs to do to set it right. Though it is tempting to dictate or to threaten, a child will often come up with the best possible solution, with a little prompting to get them thinking if necessary. If they refuse to address solutions appropriately, a parent must enforce consequences.
There’s no place in effective parenting for self-centered pride. Your role is to support the child in doing whatever it takes to make it right. Offer to go with them, stand beside them, help them with paperwork, etc. Don’t give in to the temptation to rationalize, excuse or pretend that the problem is small. If it was enough to cause worry, it’s enough to face and correct.
Sometimes children’s problems are big and so deep and so tall, they can not clean it up, there is no way at all (to quote Dr. Seuss). The child may have to suffer painful, embarrassing consequences, but never let a desire for privacy prevent them from doing what’s best.
Americans sometimes think of privacy as a right, but there is no mention of it in the Constitution’s Bill of Rights, nor is it an implied right. There is a law against unlawful search and seizure, but that mainly deals with law enforcement. Giving many teenagers too much privacy is giving them a dangerous luxury.
So we parents must be as direct and forthright as possible, but if all else fails, do what you need to do to keep your children safe or to help them through troubled times. You might be surprised that they appreciate your interest far more than they resent the intrusion.
BETH STEPHENSON is an Edmond resident.
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