EDMOND — Dear Mr. Dad: My wife and I are relatively well off and can give our kids whatever they want. But how can we be generous without spoiling them rotten?
A: First of all, change your perspective: Think in terms of giving them what they need instead of what they want. That said, if by “generous” you mean giving your time and love to your children, there’s no need to limit your generosity. The kids will benefit from spending time with you and your wife (and you will too), whether you’re just hanging out, taking walks, talking, or doing something more structured — none of which needs to cost anything at all.
If, on the other hand, you’re talking about financial or material generosity, be careful about how much money you give or how many big-ticket items you buy for your children. Your intentions may be good, but the results may not be.
Children who get everything they ask for — and even more they haven’t asked for — quickly develop a sense of entitlement and a need for instant gratification. They grow up expecting their every whim to be quickly satisfied and will probably become frustrated and unhappy when all their desires are not immediately met. In other words, you’d be creating demanding little monsters.
There’s also a social component to think about. If your kids’ friends or schoolmates aren’t as well off and don’t have as many material things, your children may find themselves not fitting in, especially if they brag about that new gadget you bought them, or the expensive cruise they went on. That kind of thing breeds resentment and can lead to your kids being ostracized, excluded, and friendless. (In some cases, though, they may acquire “friends” who hang around only so they can have access to whatever generosity your kids may choose to spread around. The net result is the same: no real friends.)
Regardless of your financial situation, I strongly urge you to practice moderation and good sense when it comes to showering your children with material things. It’s far better for them to earn a privilege or a special treat rather than have it handed to them on a silver platter. If they’re too young to have an after-school job but are begging you for a new toy, give them some household duties to perform or other age-appropriate chores so they can work their way toward that reward. If they are old enough for a real job (including babysitting, lawn mowing, tutoring, or anything else that brings in a few bucks), have them earn enough to pay for that new iPod or those concert tickets. Giving them the opportunity to make their own spending money teaches them valuable lessons in work ethics, getting along with others, and following directions — all things that will serve them well as they get older.
I’m also a big believer in doing volunteer work. With the holidays just around the corner, there’ll be plenty of opportunities to volunteer in soup kitchens and other places. But don’t limit it to November and December — people need help year ’round. This will give your children a chance to see first-hand that there are plenty of folks in their community who don’t have enough money for life’s basic necessities — let alone a new, touch-screen phone.
Teach your children about money. Get them involved in managing the money in their 529 college savings plans, have them sit with you while you pay household bills, and have them calculate the interest payments on hypothetical (or real) credit card balances. Again, valuable life lessons.
CONTACT Armin Brott, armin@askmrdad.com, or visit his Web site, www.mrdad.com.
Features
Life’s riches not about spoiling
- Features
-
-
Operating on feelings can be catastrophic
How they raise their kids is a touchy subject for lots of parents.
-
Take care with puppy vaccinations
Q: My son recently bought a 3-month-old mixed Rottweiler-German Shepherd pup from a dog breeder near Tecumseh. He was assured by the breeder that the pup had received a 5 in 1 vaccination two weeks earlier, but the pup got sick about a week after he took it home.
-
Edmond Beautiful plans Spring Garden Tour
Edmond Beautiful Inc. will have a Spring Garden Tour of the 2011 “Yard of the Week” winners May 26-27. The “Yard of the Week” program recognizes yards and gardens during the summer months for outstanding flowers and landscaping.
-
Sometimes it’s easy to let go of the familiar
Remember the clack-clack of the lawn mower you used to push over your yard every week or so before someone finally figured out how to attach a gas engine to the contraption?
-
‘Attachment parenting’ fad benefits only guru
The cover story in last week’s (May 21, 2012) Time Magazine is all about “why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes — and how Dr. Bill Sears became their guru.” That is the article’s subtitle. All I can say, somewhat hopefully, is “at last.”
-
Protect pets from poisons in the yard, garden
After an unseasonably warm winter, many gardens and yards around the country are growing and blossoming well ahead of schedule
-
Norman church keeps up hourly adoration
For nearly 10 years, someone has been present every hour of the day, every day of the year inside the chapel less than a block north of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church.
-
Protecting pets from poisons in the yard, garden
After an unseasonably warm winter, many gardens and yards around the country are growing and blossoming well ahead of schedule. Outdoor enthusiasts who are also pet owners are delighted with the early onset of spring, enjoying their outdoor living spaces while watching their pets run and play.
-
Norman church keeps up hourly adoration
For nearly 10 years, someone has been present every hour of the day, every day of the year inside the chapel less than a block north of St. Joseph’s Catholic Church.
Deacon Jeff Willard said when the “Perpetual Adoration” program was started at St. Joseph’s, he thought it might last six months at best. -
Fatherhood illuminates relationship to God
Like most men, when I got married I didn’t know what I was signing up for. I didn’t expect it to change me much. In fact, it wasn’t until we had children that I realized how different I had become. I didn’t sign up to have squalling infants keep me up for hours night after night. I sure didn’t sign up for diaper duty. And the one thing I definitely wasn’t expecting was that these little sewage-secreting noise machines would have cables jacked straight into my heart. What they wanted, I wanted them to have. It wasn’t even a choice.
- More Features Headlines
-
Operating on feelings can be catastrophic
