EDMOND —
I’ve known deadbeats who claimed the check was in the mail when it wasn’t and never would be, and I’ve known dead butts who sat on theirs and let others carry the load. I’ve plucked deadheads in my flowerbeds, but I’ve given up trying to do business with deadheads who just don’t get it.
I’ve followed more roads to dead ends than I like to remember, chiefly because I failed to take the advice of dead-on opinions offered by those wiser than I. I’ve pruned away deadwood when I recognized it, and I’ve met as many deadlines as the next fellow. Possibly more.
Now, if I may: A deadbeat is someone who fails to meet a financial obligation, and that’s as close to stealing as you can get. I once loaned a virtual stranger — my hairdresser — a thousand dollars because I couldn’t bear to think that she would lose her house without it, and she took off on a Caribbean cruise with friends within the week.
I eventually changed beauticians, but not until my weekly hair appointments had worked off the debt — an uncomfortable year for me, but she had returned from her cruise with a killer tan and a diamond stud in her navel and wasn’t concerned about my angst.
Who knew that “dead butt” would not be recognized as an acceptable noun in any source I could find, but that it’s possible to be “dead a-- serious” about what one is saying? I’m sticking with dead butt because I’ve known more than a few, whether the term is recognized or not. You’ve known them too if you are or have been a committee member, a state employee hired to do roadwork on a hot August day, or the parent of an unmotivated teen.
A deadhead is a “non-enterprising” person who is not paying his way, and some of you know all about that. In fact you might have married a couple and/or narrowly escaped a repeat before you realized you were feeding a habit.
A dead-end is, literally, a passage with access only at one end, but — metaphorically speaking — it’s more than that, as in, “lacking opportunities for development or advancement.” The difference is that there’s usually a sign warning you that you’re approaching the former, but you’re in deep trouble once you’ve come to the end of the latter. In those cases, there’s no clear way out but “out,” and as soon as possible. Look for a place where you can spread your wings.
Strictly speaking, deadwood is that part of a tree that is dead and therefore useless, but I have to take issue with that definition. Useless? Anyone who thinks so never stumbled upon a bee hive full of wild honey tucked away in a dead tree trunk. It’s a sticky mess to extract and process, but you bless the deadwood where you found it and go back to look for more.
I’m sorry to say that deadwood is also what’s sometimes referred to as a fifth wheel — a useless addition to any gathering and therefore to be avoided. You’ll know one when you see it, unless, of course, that fifth wheel happens to be you, in which case:
“A deadbolt is a locking mechanism that cannot be moved to the open position except by rotating the lock cylinder.” If it doesn’t occur to you that you might not be welcome, someone will always be happy to unlock the door for you.
Finally, a deadline is that point in time at which something must be completed, and it appears that I have reached mine.
MARJORIE ANDERSON is an Edmond resident.
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