EDMOND —
Forewarned is forearmed…or at least it should be. Men warned the boy who persisted in crying “Wolf!” when there was no wolf, that they wouldn’t rush to his aid next time, but he kept it up and we all know how that fable ends. Alas. It would have ended far differently if the boy had heeded their warning.
We who were the object of parental forewarning can appreciate the practical-joke value of the fabled wolf-boy’s teasing, but most of us had learned to arm ourselves more wisely by the time we were his age…though we do count some of our fondest memories among those times when we didn’t.
Last week a TV doctor/prophet-of-sorts forewarned that 72 is today’s new 30, and my first thought was, How nice for them. But then my own ratio extrapolations suggested that if the guru was right, then 82 would be the new 40 and I’d best be forearmed when I got there. My joints begged to differ. “Get real,” creaked a hipbone, and my left knee agreed.
I should have listened, but women my age are curious and we have time to spare, so I set out to forearm myself as best I could. Maybe you sexagenarians remember how to be 30 again, but we octogenarians don’t remember squat about what’s required to be 40, so I turned to Friend Google and typed “The average 40 year old woman of today” on the search line.
Up popped a slew of before-40-and-after photos of my favorite movie stars that I now regret having seen, and also a number of disturbing predictions including the likelihood that a woman of 40 will need a hip replacement before she’s 50. Others estimated the number of lovers she would likely have, advised the best methods for conceiving a child at that age, the height and weight she should strive for, the number of pushups she should be able to complete, and statistics on her chance of marrying for the first time at that age. I’d obviously stumbled onto the wrong websites.
Moving on, I found sixty-eight “72 Is the New 30” entries and every one of them said the same thing: German scientists compared the bones of 30-year-old long-dead hunter-gatherers and determined the same probability of death as present-day Japanese at age 72. Not a word about the Swedish men who were also included in the study, nor about women of any race, not one of whom had been invited to participate.
“I have this to say about that,” I shouted at the TV doctor/prophet-of-sorts as I settled back into my role as comfortable octogenarian. “If there’s anymore of this 72/30 extrapolated into 82/40 business, be forewarned that I’ll be forearmed and focused on you in the crosshairs!”
My hip joints applauded and my left knee cheered, and a faint wolf-boy voice whispered, “Believe her.”
MARJORIE ANDERSON is an Edmond resident.
Features
AS I SEE IT: Learn to appreciate your age, however old that may be
- Features
-
-
Facebook's organ donor status sends registrations soaring
Facebook's addition of a way for its users to tell people their organ-donor status helped boost the number of people who registered as donors 21-fold in one day.
-
White House, NASA want help hunting asteroids
The White House and NASA on Tuesday will ask the public for help finding asteroids that potentially could slam into the Earth with catastrophic consequences.
-
Is it really possible to not know you're pregnant until the birth?
Trish Staine had just finished running 10 miles while training for a half-marathon when she started going into labor. The mother of three said she hadn't gained any weight or felt any fetal movement in the months before and had no idea she was pregnant. Is it possible for a woman not to know she's pregnant before she starts giving birth?
-
VIDEO: Rapper steps on American flag
Lil Wayne sparked a controversy when he stepped on an American flag during the filming of his new music video, but the rapper later said it was a mistake and unintentional.
-
VIDEO: Britney Spears' sons to make acting debut
Britney Spears recorded a new song for the "The Smurfs 2," and her sons Sean Preston and Jayden will make a cameo in the music video.
-
Expert panel will tackle gardening issues
Every community garden in Oklahoma serves as a reminder of what people can do if they come together to work towards a single purpose and goal.
That’s one reason the Oklahoma County Master Gardeners are offering a “Community Gardening” workshop from 1-3 p.m. July 9. -
Pope, archbishop of Canterbury meet
The neophyte holders of two of Christendom’s most venerable posts met for the first time Friday and spoke of fostering unity and understanding between their sometimes rival branches of the faith.
-
OCU Hebrew students to study Dead Sea scrolls
Students in a Biblical Hebrew class at Oklahoma City University will get a chance to study one of the Dead Sea Scrolls during the fall 2013 semester.
-
Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever remains a real threat
Q: My dog Candy died last year from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Is this that common in Oklahoma and how can I be sure neither one of my other dogs get it?
A: Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever (RMSF) is a disease that can affect any of our pets as well as us. It is caused by the bacterium Rickettsia rickettsii and is transmitted by a variety of ticks. Three ticks can be found in Oklahoma that carry it. They include the Lone Star Tick, The Gulf Coast Tick (more common in the southeast U.S.) and the American Dog Tick. -
VET Q&A: Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever remains a real threat
Q: My dog Candy died last year from Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Is this that common in Oklahoma and how can I be sure neither one of my other dogs get it?
- More Features Headlines
-
