Stillwater —
Q: My nearly 8-year-old son made fun of our next-door neighbor’s biracial daughter’s skin color. The minute he realized how wrong he was, he became very upset and tried to go back and apologize but the girl had locked herself in her room and wouldn’t even talk to her mother. My son then wrote her a very moving apology. I feel his remorse but am baffled as to how to discipline this. He has said he wants to be grounded until school starts but that is hard to implement with so many activities. The ironic thing is that he’s always the kid who reaches out to those who are different. Our neighbors are dear friends and I would hate for this to affect our relationship. I would appreciate your advice on how to reprimand my son.
A: I have bad news and good news, and I’ll give them to you in that order. The bad news is that verbal bullying is just as characteristic of a developing sociopathic personality as physical bullying. The good news is that sociopaths, of whatever age, do not exhibit true remorse when they’ve injured another person. They do not feel bad about or accept responsibility for any harm they do others, they do not spontaneously apologize and they do not feel that they should be punished. Therefore, your son is not a developing sociopath.
This was obviously an isolated incident. If it was part of a pattern, you would have reason to be concerned. And by the way, your existing concern is significant because most parents of developing sociopaths are known for being in denial concerning the hurtful things their children do. So, further good news: You are not an enabler.
You are a responsible parent of an 8-year-old who hurt another child’s feelings, made a genuine attempt to apologize and feels worse about what he’s done than you could possibly make him feel.
I’m going to assume that you’ve talked with him about the incident, making your disapproval and your values clear. In that case, I’d arrange for him to make an apology to the girl in person, with all parents present. At that point, it’s up to the girl’s parents to help her put this in proper perspective so that all concerned can move on.
Q: Our 26-month-old grandson has started finger-painting on walls and furniture with poop when he wakes up from his nap. We think he wakes up, poops in his diaper and then “paints.” We’ve tried talking and punishing and ignoring. Nothing has worked! Help!
A: I think your grandson is trying, the only way he knows how, to write “It’s past time for you guys to toilet train me!” Just for you, I’m going to post on my Web site at www.rosemond.com a column from the JR column archives on how to toilet train the way your great-grandmother probably did, when toilet training was generally accomplished before the second birthday and took less than two weeks. In the meantime, cut his naps short and take him straight to the potty after you wake him up.
FAMILY psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com.
Features
Hurtful words haunt child speaker
- Features
-
-
Special care needed for senior pets
Q: I have a black Labrador mix that is starting to get gray hair around her muzzle. Baby is only 6 years old and we have taken very good care of her. She has always had her shots, she was spayed as a puppy, is on monthly heartworm preventative and is a good weight for her body size at 66 pounds. Is she really already a senior citizen, and what should we watch for? We love her very much and want to keep her healthy and happy as long as possible.
-
High self-esteem, reward system can backfire
The media recently reported “new” research findings to the effect that rewards often backfire and self-esteem is not the wonderful, uplifting personal attribute once thought. As a result, schools are rethinking their teaching and classroom management philosophies.
-
When rooms talk, it’s time to remodel
I think I might need a keeper. Every room in this house is screaming at me (some more loudly than others), and the cacophony is driving me nuts. You know how it goes. You spruce up one room (in my case the kitchen), and every other room in the house clambers for its share of TLC too.
-
Seminar focuses on pet allergies
Paul DeMars, DVM, Community Practice at Oklahoma State University’s Boren Veterinary Medical Teaching Hospital, will present a Pet Care Seminar at 7 p.m. Tuesday in the McElroy Hall Auditorium at the corner of Farm Road and McFarland on the Stillwater OSU campus.
-
Canadian Carnaval is cool carousing
Yes, I have the coolest job in the world — and I visit some really cool places. But the spot that takes the Popsicle is Québec with the Carnaval de Québec and the Hôtel de Glace.
-
Wobblers syndrome is chronic, progressive
Q: I have an 8-year-old dog that is three-quarters Doberman Pinscher. He always has been quite active and healthy until about a month ago when he began showing slight signs of weakness and stiffness in his hind legs, but didn’t exhibit pain. He’s worse now.
-
Today’s children are being mis-educated about their feelings
Margaret Thatcher, former prime minister of England, once said, “One of the great problems of our age is that we’re governed by people who care more about feelings than they do about thoughts and ideas.”
-
Purging of high heels brings despair
If you recall, last week I promised that you had heard the last of my New Year’s purging of closets and cabinets.
-
Why does my dog eat his own poop?
Q: My dog Max has suddenly started eating his own poop, and I find it totally disgusting.
-
Good Eats
PORK CHOPS WITH ORANGES AND PARSLEY
- More Features Headlines
-
Special care needed for senior pets
