CNHI News Service —
Q: Our 17-year-old is a highly spoiled underachiever. As a junior in high school, he’s failing two classes and borderline in the rest. We know that his problems are largely due to our parenting style. We read your book on teens and have made some progress, but we’re feeling a sense of urgency. We’re ready to do some drastic things. Where do you think we should start?
A: As you now realize, your son is in dire need of a major wake-up call. Start by stripping his room down to bare essentials, taking away any and all electronic devices, and suspending all of his privileges, including driving. Inform him that his normal life will be restored when he has improved his grades to no less than what he’s capable of and sustained the improvement for eight weeks. Anything less will invite cursory improvement, then backsliding. You could get stuck in that sort of manipulative back-and-forth forever.
Unfortunately, this is an eleventh-hour action. Obviously, the earlier parents intervene in a problem, the better the prognosis. On the other hand, it’s better to do something late than to never do anything at all. At this point, there’s a lot of history (and momentum) behind your son’s motivation issues. Getting him to turn himself around is going to require a unified front and calm, purposeful resolve. Don’t expect to see consistent progress for at least six weeks. Keep the faith, stay the course and be fully prepared for things to get worse before they begin getting better.
“Why is that, John?”
Because when parents finally pull the rug of over-indulgence out from under an underachieving child, the typical reaction is full collapse along with complaints from the child to the effect that since he has no privilege, he now has nothing to care about; therefore, he is not going to do anything to bring up his grades until certain privileges are restored. Believe me, this is nothing more than manipulative self-drama, soap opera, with a heavy dose of attempted hostage-taking thrown in. It’s an attempt to get the parents to question their judgment and begin negotiating.
“Will you give me my cell phone back if I bring my grades up for a week?” or “If you give me my cell phone and driving privileges back, I’ll bring my grades up, I promise.”
Don’t do it! If your son begins making promises of that sort, don’t believe a word he says. Simply smile and tell him that if he can bring his grades up for a week, he can surely bring them up for two weeks, then three, then eight. Keep reminding him that you’re not asking him to do any more than he is capable of. If you give him even the proverbial inch, he will think he can make you give up the proverbial mile. In no time, you’ll be right back where you started from, but he will know that he can beat you at your own game.
So, don’t play games. Go into this fully prepared for backlash of one sort or another. His reaction is likely to include anger, self-pity, and threats of running away or other equally silly things. This is your golden opportunity to get control of your relationship with your son. Given that he’s 17, it may be your last opportunity. Don’t blow it.
FAMILY psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions on his website at www.rosemond.com.
Features
Never too late to get tough with underachiever
- Features
-
-
Rude teens an example of emotional narcissism
Q: I went into my 17-year-old’s bedroom to wake him this morning. After some urging, he eventually got up and then told me he hated me. What is the appropriate consequence for this sort of disrespect?
-
The would’a, could’a, should’as of Edmond living
“Would’a, could’a, should’a” might be the most useless contractions in the English language — especially when preceded by “if only” — but I’m not letting that stop me.
If only I’d known what was coming, I would’a stayed out of Edmond’s seductive garden shops last weekend, but it’s been a long, cold winter and I couldn’t resist all those colorful flowery offerings begging, “Take me! “Take me!” -
VIDEO: Man hands out Abercrombie clothes on Skid Row in bid to shame brand
Anger has mounted online against clothing retailer Abercrombie & Fitch due to comments made by its chief executive and its strategy of not making women's clothing in any size above large.
-
Feces contaminates 58 percent of public swimming pools
Human feces taints more than half of public swimming pools, a finding U.S. health officials are using to urge better personal hygiene as the summer months approach.
-
VIDEO: One by one, homes in Calif. subdivision sinking
Scott and Robin Spivey had a sinking feeling that something was wrong with their home when cracks began snaking across their walls in March. Within two weeks their property dropped 10 feet below the street.
-
5 takeaways from the IRS report
What are the key takeaways from the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration's report on the Internal Revenue Service's decision to subject conservative groups to heightened scrutiny?
-
How to get the most out of your air conditioner this summer
Experts say preventative maintenance on your air conditioner can save you hundreds of dollars.
-
VIDEO: How robots will shape the future
Robots could revolutionize everything from learning to fitness. Tech reporter Rich DeMuro shows how companies are using robots to shape the future.
-
Bodily waste can help solve the energy crisis, author says
Bodily waste is widely considered a topic not to be discussed in polite company; it's something to be flushed and forgotten. But a new book argues that waste, in all its human and animal forms, is worth getting to know intimately.
-
VIDEO: Camera mounted on WTC spire captures installation
A GoPro camera shows the spire as it is permanently installed atop One World Trade Center on Friday, bringing the New York City structure to its symbolic height of 1,776 feet.
- More Features Headlines
-
Rude teens an example of emotional narcissism
