Published: October 03, 2008 10:11 pm      

Talking heads deliver mumbo jumbo

The Ancients learned from their errors and left us with fables to help us avoid the mistakes they made.

One fable advises us to be industrious ants but to watch out for freeloading grasshoppers. Others warn against leaving the fox in charge of the hen house and admonish us to remain calm when Chicken Little says the sky is falling. Another tells us to speak up when the emperor wears no clothes.

The lessons to be learned are legion. We could profit from all of them in this election year if we understood the issues. TV’s Talking Heads bring us the message ad nauseam, but what language are they speaking?

The three branches of government are the executive, the legislative and the judicial, and the mediative branch makes four. Or maybe you hadn’t heard that Congress passed an amendment allowing the media to campaign alongside presidential candidates. Sometimes a sidestep ahead.

I don’t understand politico babble. Certainly not with the spin it has picked up by the time it reaches me. I know what pork-barrel spending is, but I hadn’t got used to the idea of lipstick on a pit bull before Talking Heads were putting it on pigs.

I’m guessing that the “kitchen table concerns” we hear so much about are what families would discuss at meals if families still sat down to eat together. If they did, after breakfast I suppose they would pick up their lunch pails and, clinging to their guns and religion, set off for their trailer trash jobs if they had them.

At least that’s what I think the Talking Heads said, but who knows? Two years is a year and a half longer than flip-flopping issues should be allowed to monopolize the tube. Even “The Lawrence Welk Show” is starting to look good.

I’m as over-dosed with this year’s repetitious political lingo as I was with “at this point in time” during Watergate. I understand what Teddy Roosevelt meant when he said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” but I still don’t know the politically correct definition of “is.”

I rush to turn off the lie that I know is coming when Talking Heads begin with “The fact of the matter is,” and I never again want to hear the word “mess” unless it’s followed by “of greens.”

Iraq, etc. is a mess; Ike, etc. left a mess; the nation’s economic condition is a mess unless you have a golden parachute. It’s never a state of disorder or distress. It’s always a mess. Even grade schoolers know how to use a Thesaurus.

“With all due respect” is the adult equivalent of claiming King’s X for whatever nasty little diatribe comes next. Is that an oxymoron or what? You’d think that if Talking Heads have something rude to say they could let it rip without preamble. Cushioning the blow won’t win them the congeniality award in this contest.

Speaking of rude, if it were your 72-year-old heart under discussion, wouldn’t you have a problem with Talking Heads’ insisting that your running mate is a heartbeat away from taking your place? That’s ghoulish but not surprising — exactly the sort of thing you’d expect from circling vultures.

Fables can go just so far. The little Dutch boy can plug the hole in the dike just so long before the ocean has its way; and Talking Heads can cry “Wolf!” just so often before nobody listens anymore.

The goose that lays golden eggs will eventually be slaughtered, the fox will never reach the grapes, and understanding media mumbo-jumbo will always be above my pay scale.

MARJORIE ANDERSON is an Edmond resident.