Published: December 26, 2008 09:12 pm      

Gratitude can get complicated

Gratitude is an obligation to express and a responsibility to accept, but they both come in varying degrees. “Thank you for holding, for your time, for shopping with us,” are superficial expressions of gratitude. “You’re welcome,” is not required.

“Thanks a lot” can be heartfelt or sarcastic, depending on the situation and the tone of voice. “Thanks a lot for taking care of the cat while I was gone” is sincere unless you lost track of the cat early on and haven’t seen it since. In that case, “Thanks a lot” is more like “Thanks a lot for waiting till I’ve sashayed the full length of the stage before telling me I’ve got toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe.”

Some express gratitude in like kind. My mother was one of those. You could share a home baked goody with her, but you couldn’t get ahead. She’d return your plate with a goody from her own kitchen within three days, tops. It was up to you to stop the madness, else you’d have cake flying back and forth between you till neither of you was interested in carrying on the friendship. She would win if the reciprocating stopped with you, but it might be worth the loss. Believe me, it would never stop with her.

Others wait so long to express gratitude that you’ve forgotten what you did to deserve it. In that case, you might wonder if their expression of gratitude reciprocates your own wonderfulness or obligates you to reciprocate theirs. You see how complicated this can get. Express gratitude quickly. It’s the best way.

I don’t suppose you’d admit to issuing an invitation to someone you owe but don’t particularly like, even knowing that person has pre-committed himself to some other gala affair that evening. I didn’t think so. That’s a tag-you’re-it sort of thing.

What it means is that now it’s their turn to invite you, and your opportunity to decline. There’s no gratitude expressed or accepted in this scenario, but make a note of it anyway.

“You shouldn’t have” is a form of gratitude accepted, but don’t discount the possibility that you actually shouldn’t have. Like the bon-bons you gave your diabetic mother-in-law, the angora sweater you knitted for your allergic boyfriend or the drum set you gave your grandkids. In those cases, you really, really shouldn’t have.

“Don’t mention it,” is also gratitude accepted, but it means what it says if the gift being acknowledged was recycled and the original giver is within earshot. Not that you personally know anyone who would do that. I’m just saying.

“It was nothing” is another oft-used response to a thank you, but I don’t recommend that, either. You run the risk of being suspected of having spoken the truth; and, if your gift actually was something rather than nothing, you’ve planted a seed of doubt in the mind of the recipient.

I recommend accepting a sincere thank you with, “You’re welcome.” A smile is probably not enough. “My pleasure” would be a bit much. You were the giver. There’s no need to grovel.

All of that said, Christmas happened a few days ago, and you’ve got thank you notes to write. No, a phone call won’t do. Not an email, either. It has to be a card. Hallmark is best. Spell sweater right. If Aunt Agatha has married again, get her name right, too. “Thank you for the gift,” won’t do. Identify it by name. If it has a color, say so. If you’ve already returned it to Walmart and can’t remember, fake it. Gratitude is important.

MARJORIE ANDERSON is an Edmond resident.